I could be the worst you ever had

I was a total brat today again, at least for the second half of the date that is. Brat is totally an understatement and I wonder why do I do this over and over again.

While I do really feel bad now but I ,for some reason, don't feel like apologising. Partly like I am totally pushing it. A part of me feels very awful cos' I don't deserve someone like you. A part of me feels very guilty for treating you like that. A part of me is really sick of who I am.
A part of me totally grow numb and almost feels like it's dead.

I know who is the problem. I am. I know who is causing it and I know you are the most innocent to being with.

I know I am the worse of lot and I am sorry.

Sorry not just for today. Sorry for everything and sorry that a part of me locks myself up again and not totally being with you when I am with you.

I just dunno what the fuck am I doing and I am like repeating what was done before, again.

The times...Times you could have been closer, get closer. You got lazy & complacent & I gotten tired.

The times...Times I could have been honest, honest to everyone. I got away with deceit & I am now living a mental and emotion torture.

The times...Times you* could just move away, move away from me. You* got moving done in both directions, away and back/to and fro that's so confusing.

No matter what it is, I judged myself wrong and there is no doubt about it. The funniest thing is I,myself know it.

Fuck.

Sorry for being the worst you could ever had.